Sunday, July 17, 2011

Feminists every where are groaning in pain at this post

No, I haven't made a craft per-se...
My book is still MIA and in order for me to find it I will have to tear apart my storage unit and my house. At this point it's pure laziness that has stopped me from doing it. 
But that doesn't mean I have stopped creating things. I've been flexing my "creating skills" (is "creating skills" better than "nun-chucking skills"?) in multiple different facets. I've being toying around with card making and some books as well. But mostly I've been creating my house-wife persona. 
It's been difficult work and a couple of times I thought I was going to have a mental break down. It's that perfectionist in me that won't shut up. I beat myself up mentally and throw myself into these ditches that I can't seem to crawl out of.  Sometimes, I get into these unexplainable moods where all I want to do is just sulk and cry and wail about how miserable my life is. Thinking about it now a lot of those emotions show up in my journals. If anyone ever read my journals they would think I'm such a depressed person.
The fact is my life is wonderful, I love being married, I love being a wife so why do I want to be miserable? I toyed with the idea that maybe I have Depression. Though, I acknowledge a lot of people suffer from this, I also believe that they don't have to. So when that thought crossed my mind I quickly crossed it off because if I do suffer from such a "disorder" I didn't want to give me an excuse. So what if I do have it? I'm not going to let it define me or blame it every time something goes wrong. Anyway, I found something much more helpful than diagnosing me.
I've had these emotions well up inside of me that I would quiet because I thought they were ridiculous and unjustified. It's like trying to stuff a balloon inside a bottle; an impossible task but the more you press it down inside the bottle, the more air will be pushed to the top of the balloon creating this incredible pressure that one tiny prick or touch will cause it to explode. A couple of weeks ago I exploded. Earlier in the day, I decided it would be a good idea to rearrange my house, figuring if I did that it wouldn't seem so messy and maybe I'd have room to breathe. The way I decided to do this was by pulling all of my books off their shelves and arranging my furniture all at the same time. It didn't take long for me to become overwhelmed, frustrated and I quickly realized I do not have decorating or rearranging skills (They don't really offer that in High School, ya know!). But the admission of these feelings, to me, meant that I was admitting that I failed as a wife so I kept shoving that balloon in the bottle. I lost it when my husband came home for dinner. It was kind of a disaster. He left with me furiously trying to justify my anger. My balloon popped after he left. Trying to hold myself together, I called my mom then promptly shattered when I talked to her. To make an unnecessarily long story short my mother divulged to me the secrets she has learned and introduced me to FLYing. Over the past month I came to the conclusion that when I keep myself busy, do my daily "blessings of my house" (for all you little FLY ladies out there) and take care of me, I'm happier. That's it. Simple concept but revolutionary to me! I'm starting small and hoping I can become a wonder What I struggle with, I've discovered, is a common house wife issue. So slowly, I'm piecing my house together and trying to get into routines and it all starts with a shiny sink every day. I've switched mind-tracks. Does that mean I've given up on my dreams? Never!  There are just other things that need to be taken care of as well. I've signed up for singing lessons, I've taken up sewing, I clean, I make lists, I even bought a calender I'm not perfect. In fact I struggle with staying on track (This blog is living proof of that!) but the point is I'm not sitting and feeling sorry for myself any more, I'm giving myself a purpose. A divine purpose, I might add.
In conclusion I happily declare: Discovering my wife-hood is very enjoyable as long I stay out of my own way. Most of all, I've found that deflating the balloon is easier.

( <---There is a manual to teach women and men every where how to live with out CHAOS...and the more you know....)

1 comment:

  1. well said. keep working at it, and keep inspiring others to do the same. you are loved!!!